Pet Peeves

Everyone has an unofficial list of pet peeves/things I hate, so I thought I’d give you guys a sampling of mine. So now none of you will have any excuse to annoy me.




1. Fitted mattress sheets. So you know when you’re sleeping, and in the middle of the night one of the corners of your fitted sheet pops over the corner of the mattress and sidles under your leg or torso like an unwanted lover? I. Hate. That. You’re just sleeping on your nice Target sheets and suddenly you feel the caress of your scratchy, dirty, naked mattress. You try to inch away from it and position your body in such a way that no skin touches the wretched mattress but to no avail. It’s disgusting and I hate it. And for those of you thinking, Well there’s an easy solution to that Emma, why don’t you just put it back over the mattress? Problem Solved. Well, what’s it like being perfect, hypothetical reader!? Hmmm!? Listen here know-it-all, at three in the morning, I do not the possess the mental capacity or physical stamina for putting the last corner of a fitted sheet over the mattress. I barely possess those qualities in the light of day. And this is why I buy sheets that are three sizes too large for my bed.




2. When your internet is slow and you’ve been loading an episode of your favorite show all day, and then you press Ctrl-T to open a new tab but your finger accidentally pressed the “R” instead and it refreshes the whole page. And then you just have watch as your internet churns to rip away all of your hard work and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.




3. When I’m buying a ticket at the movie theatre and the ticket person is like, “Enjoy your movie!” And I automatically go, “You too!” GODDAMMIT. DON’T SAY THAT TO ME, TICKET PERSON. We both know what is going to happen when you say that, you sick fuck. How dare you make me look the fool.




4. When I ask someone if they need help like, washing the dishes or cleaning up, setting the table etc. and they say “yes.” No, no this was not meant to happen. I was just saying that to be nice. You aren’t actually supposed to accept my help. I don’t want to get off the couch, I was just being polite. Please don’t make me do things.




5. Cats. I’m not a fan.




6. I’m not a fan of birds either.




7. When I’m trying to watch a show on a questionable website and on every side of the page are ads for hot singles in my areas or Russian mail order brides. Listen, internet, when I want to meet a hot milf in my area, I will search for such, but in the mean time, the gyrating hips of the the double D Ukranian are nice, but very distracting.




8. My hypochondria. I am an avid hypochondriac and I literally think every little blemish or out of place ache/pain is some sort of life-threatening illness or infection. For example, if I have a small rash on my face, I’ll WebMd my symptoms and it will tell me I either have a common case of heat rash, or some sort of terminal disease that is only prevalent in men who visited China during the 1920s. And I will be certain that I have the terminal disease, every time no matter the circumstance. It is extremely exhausting for me and my doctor who has to tell me over the phone time and time again, “No, Emma, it’s just not possible for you to have prostate cancer.”




9. When I smile at a classmate or an acquaintance on the street and they don’t smile back. Like, excuse you, I’m not just smiling all willy nilly here, I am doing you a service. I am doing this for you. Smile back, assholes!


10. The fact that I can’t think of a tenth pet peeve or thing I hate.