An Open Letter to the Neighbor that has Decided to Take Up Carpentry at Eight in the Morning
Dear Neighbor,
Why? Why are you doing this to me? Why do you think it is appropriate to power up your buzzsaw or jackhammer or vibrating hammer or whatever it is that makes that sound at the crack of dawn? Well, I suppose to some eight in the morning isn’t exactly the crack of dawn, but to me and the plethora of other college kids in the neighborhood it might as well be! And to me, at such an early time such as 8am, the sound of your power tools sounds like hell’s gates screeching open, it sounds like cast iron claws slicing down a rusty chalkboard with a touch of Janice’s laughter on “Friends.” In short, it sounds really, really annoying.
What are you even doing up there? And why can’t it wait until 10, maybe even 9am? In polite society, one always waits until at least 9am to call an acquaintance and this rule should go double for loud, piercing noises. And I know for a fact that you do not need all day to accomplish your task. You do not need to start at 8am so that you may finish by a respectable time at night. And how do I know this? Because you finished by 9:30! All buzzing and screeching ceased in an hour and a half, which is not so long you need all day, but not so short that I am actually able to fall back asleep. Are you happy about that? Huh, buddy? I could have figured out the cure for Ebola that day, but my mind was too sleep addled and unfocused for the entire rest of the morning and afternoon and it is your fault. People are dying because of you. You monster.
Listen, I can take solo dubstep parties at 3 in the morning that shake the ceiling of my room, because I am up anyway watching bad anime. I can take the nightly feng shui/you moving around all of your furniture, also at 3 in the morning, because, again, I am up watching anime. I can even take the smell of weed that periodically wafts in from upstairs down through my bedroom window. What I will not tolerate though, is being woken up from my deep slumber, and being pulled out of my pleasant dream of Michael Fassbender serving me an ice cream sundae in nothing but denim shorts. I will never get that dream back and I was just getting to the good part too! I hadn’t even seen the back of him in those denim dream shorts! I love Michael Fassbender and you are a dick for tearing us apart.
What are you even building up there? An ark? A complete replica of the Trojan Horse? Whatever it is, you better share it with me. Because you and me? We’re in this together now. I am a part of your construction project whether you like it or not, pal. I mean, at this point, I basically feel like I built the damn thing myself! Whatever it is you’re building. I feel that by waking up at such a ridiculous time, I have put the most effort into creating this mystery thing. So whatever it is, I want it. Even if it’s a rack for all of your dudebro hats, or a crate to store murdered bodies in. Give it to me. It’s mine now.
Sincerly,
Your Hot Neighbor that Lives Downstairs
